NORTHERN LIGHTS, UKAHALA—Is RFCP’s newest third-in-command cursed? What does this curse cause? Is it dangerous? Read more for Senior Reporter and Field Marshal Arne’s Investigation on the topic.
I’m not a very superstitious guy. I like making jokes about Friday the 13th–black cats and whatnot. But I don’t believe in any of it. Here in Colombia, we have our own set of superstitions, such as wearing yellow underwear on New Year’s Day to attract prosperity and wealth, but I think it’s pointless. Curses, on the other hand, are fun to discuss–even though I think they’re just an excuse for things like a sports team’s repeated failure.
Enter Gen. Microwaveable Hamster.
She seems normal enough at first sight: a dedicated, caring, blog-editing, photo-shopping, hamster-loving, microwaveable third-in-command. She joined us in March of 2020, and we love having her around, but is she cursed? That may come out of left field for most of you reading this, but we have some incredibly compelling evidence that there is something abnormal going on with MicroHam. Something paranormal.
The Backstory
As pretty much everyone here knows at this point, I’m a sucker for Brantsteele’s Hunger Games Simulator Algorithm, to the point that I, alongside Maj. Djchoruskid, bought an entire channel to host the simulator on the RFCP server. MicroHam, like many of the other members of the RFCP, wandered into the chat to watch how the simulations unfolded. As spectators, sometimes we like to make predictions and support specific players, but MicroHam is particularly bad at it.
It seemed kind of unlucky at first, but as the instant casualties, the wrong predictions, and what seemed like cursed participants became more common, I began to suspect of MicroHam that there had to be more to her predictions than just bad luck….
The Evidence
At the time of writing this, MicroHam’s victims are: the years 1999 and 2016, Candy Corn, Cheerios, Campbell’s Soup, Oreos, Edward, Charlie, How to Make Cereal, and Cheetos. Was she genuinely trying to rig the games? Was she cursed? Or was it all just bad luck? Every time she has rooted for a participant outside of the final three (where admittedly, she correctly predicted the winner an outstanding one time), they have all died soon after receiving her verbal support.
Every. Single. Time.
Perhaps MicroHam is just bad at predictions, like these screenshots suggest.
It has also come to my attention that MicroHam has never won a Recon Federation of Club Penguin (RFCP) themed Hunger Games simulation, where the participants are our soldiers. Every time when they were hosted either by Djchoruskid or myself, MicroHam always happened to lose. Did she accidentally run over the Brantsteele owner’s cat? Had the microwave radiation infused her with the inability to do well at Hunger Games simulations? I wanted to analyze what her curse does.
Here is my hypothesis:
- MicroHam can’t correctly predict pretty much anything at a Hunger Games simulation.
- Any participant supported at the Hunger Games simulations by MicroHam will not win.
- MicroHam can’t win any Hunger Games simulations involving her and the RFCP soldiers.
- MicroHam will have to edit and post this to the website because it’s her job.
(Editor’s note from MicroHam: #4 was correct, let’s read on to see how the other three theories fare.)
The Field Tests
I decided to go on a field test with MicroHam herself to try and verify my hypothesis. For this test, I ran a simulation about random foods and MicroHam had to predict who would win. MicroHam predicted Hot Dog would win before the simulation began, and then she also bet on Stir Fry, which swiftly proceeded to die within two rounds.
Micro then replaced her place on Stir Fry with Eggs, which did well, and survived for a shockingly long amount of time considering Micro’s record, but then it happened. A volcano erupted, and well- let’s just say Eggs didn’t make it.
As MicroHam rotated Spaghetti in, we headed into the final third. The battle was on against Steak! There was no way that she could lose now-
Hot Dog had made it a long way, and had been immune to the MicroHam curse so far. There was absolutely no way it was going to fall now after all it had been through, right? But then it happened…
Wait, what?!
In a shocking turn of events, MicroHam had predicted the winner from the start!
However, I wasn’t done with the field tests yet. In our second field test, MicroHam’s standing record at losing to every RFCP soldier on the battlefield was going to be put to the test. To do this, I mass-simulated the RFCP-themed Hunger Games and looked to see if she won, or see how close she made it to the #1 spot.
Let’s crunch the numbers: I ran 14 simulations with the exact same cast featuring only current soldiers and Commander Prior Bumble. Then I started it, and–
In the first round, Maj. Cc broke character and exploded MicroHam out of existence. Unfortunately, MicoHam’s luck didn’t improve much from there. She was stabbed, strangled, killed by monkey mutts, bled out, died from thirst, fell into a pit, was stabbed with a trident, eaten alive by wolves, drowned in a tsunami, killed by me (woah, what?), lost and died in two brawls…it was brutal. And it was a yes, with flying colors: MicroHam was cursed. The best she managed was, admittedly, a 2nd place finish.
Also this happened.
Even MicroHam’s self-claimed brother, Col. Voidwalker, won three times! I then asked MicroHam how she felt after seeing herself die horrifically 14 times in a row.
With that, the predictions game was back on. This time, the presidents of the world would fight each other, after she suggested we do so. So I did some quick research, configured the algorithm, and then we ran the simulator. Micro’s predictions for this were Pedro Sanchez and Guy Parmelin, leaders of Spain and Switzerland, respectively. It went well for about seven seconds, until U.S. President Joe Biden pulled a Saw-style trap on Parmelin.
To make matters worse, MicroHam’s second choice, Sanchez didn’t live much longer either…
With both of Micro’s top two contenders out, she rotated in South Korean president, Moon Jae In, and Russia’s Vladimir Putin. However, two rounds later, as everyone in the simulation starts hallucinating, they both fell victim to the curse of MicroHam.
MicroHam was running out of options quickly, and in a desperate attempt, she placed her final bets on French President Emmanuel Macron and English Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Both had been thriving up until then, so it would put the strength of the curse under the test. However, four rounds later, Macron couldn’t handle it anymore.
As MicroHam’s hopes of breaking free of her prediction failures started to dwindle, Boris Johnson was the next, and final victim of the day, to her deadly Hunger Games simulator curse.
In Conclusion
After all of this testing, I asked MicroHam one final question:
Nineteen innocent individuals killed. Only one traumatized survivor. Zero victories of her own.
It appears that the curse is real. If you aren’t careful, it will catch up to you, and then it will ruin your chances to brag in #general-chat about your fictitious kills. Spread awareness now or you will become another victim of the Curse of Microwaveable Hamster.
What do YOU think about the curse of Microwaveable Hamster? Is she actually cursed, or just horribly bad at predicting the Hunger Games simulation outcomes? Leave us a comment below and let us know your thoughts!
Filed under: Satire/Humor
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