WORLD AT WAR: CPA World War VIII Breaks Out

Posted on April 30, 2020 by priorbumble1

This post is an overview of the supermassive conflict that has now been confirmed as Club Penguin Army‘s 8th official World War. It synthesizes all sides of the dispute with links to supporting documents, as well contextualizes RFCP’s positions towards each one. All soldiers are encouraged to read this in full to inform themselves on the unusual political reality at hand.

Before providing the story thus far, RFCP must state its stance in this event:

The Recon Federation of Club Penguin

Under Command of Prior Bumble

Declares War on:

RPF

PIC

and

LGA

In part of our alliance with ACP, PZF, Chaos, and Aliens for this conflict, thus officially entering WW8.

Terms:

Allies Allowed

All battles on CPATG

Abide by our general DBAD (Don’t be a Dick) clause

Read on to see how history brought us to this point. We request the declared-upon armies to read on as well, as our reasoning is woven throughout the narrative.

Origins of the Dispute

The global war currently barreling its way into Club Penguin army history began with disgruntled ex-ACP whistle-blower. On April 24, 2020, TheManWithThePlan lit the fuse that would soon become WW8, and perhaps that is what his primary legacy will be. The leaked screenshots in his blog posts were covered by CPAM and showed ACP trash talking CPAM, RPF, and taking a blasé attitude towards inflating max numbers.

ACP promptly apologized and dismissed the screenshots, saying exaggerating size is something all armies do, the CPAM criticism was supported by evidence, and friendly trash-talk is natural.

RPF promptly declared war anyway.

But RPF’s seemingly justified aggression was intoxicated with an outrageous battle schedule. Two battles at the same time. Twice.

ACP’s response to this brought up many of the points that will be familiar to RFCP who remember facing RPF’s attitude of moral superiority when declaring war on us in October.

RFCP’s Analysis

To RFCP, it is clear what happened here. RPF is an enormous army that usually only gets the opportunity to battle in tournaments. That’s because their gargantuan maxes make it difficult to declare war on any army without looking like a bully. They even frequently battle themselves to stay occupied–with maxes that almost triple the War of No Return. Thus, when RPF receives the tiniest trickle of offense, they capitalize the chance to rev their motors. This also makes them highly unresponsive to deescalation. CSY reported to me that his DMs were slow, or sometimes never, to be returned by RPF hicom. I recall a similar experience with leader-to-leader communication after a declaration, almost as if you’re below RPF’s time.

However, RFCP doesn’t necessarily feel RPF’s anger at the screenshots is misplaced. ACP is not wrong about friendly trash talk being common, and everyone is licensed to league/news site critique. But Club Penguin Armies is not the United Nations. A dirty look and a nasty comment certainly can merit war in this fragile environment. That RPF used these leaks to declare war (just like they did when discovering RFCP and EGCP’s “Pewter Hopscotch” plan against RPF) is understandable.

As for size inflation, we disagree with ACP as a sort of side note. That’s not really something RFCP does. We count numbers with a magnifying glass. So we don’t agree every army does that, nor should they.

Empathizing with both sides, we remained neutral and watched from afar.

Then I got a DM.

I listened and offered my advice tentatively, but mostly listened. Then:

RFCP Considers a Shocking and Historic Response to ACP’s Call

CSY and I have shared a growing friendship and mutual respect despite being 1ics of one of Club Penguin armies’ largest rivals.

And so, RFCP discussed. ACP’s closest ally, Help Force, refused to aid them in vindication of RPF’s fury (but probably more because of the CPAM criticisms, given that HF 1ic Ayan is the “CEO” of CPAM). While RFCP considered, Here Comes Chaos (known just as Chaos) entered the dispute in a workaround to the “no allies” term set by RPF. They merely declared on RPF themselves, allies allowed, and prepared to invade all the servers back from RPF with ACP’s help.

“Don’t cry, don’t whine about how you’re about to get blitzkrieg’ed to hell, Elmikey wouldn’t cry. “
Jester, Chaos Commander
[Note: Elmikey is arguably the most famous RPF leader]

We like the savagery. But coming to ACP’s aid is no trivial matter to an RFCP die hard. In fact, RFCP was in the midst of hyping up the War of Second Coming against the clovers, set to begin this Saturday. But our hearts found it difficult to ignore a call for help, especially when ACP’s predicament was relatable. Further, LGA and PIC–perhaps the most pathetically vile army in the community–sided with RPF. So, RFCP approached with a willingness to step in, with a few conditions.

The basic writing rule of thumb is “show, don’t tell,” so we show you now the terms being fulfilled:

Like the little switcheroo that happened there? We also have heard that Ms. Dawn hop hop hopped her way back to LGA. That’s her eighth army hop this year. You go, little bunny.

RFCP then negotiated that we would wear our own uniforms to battle and that ACP continue our army-to-army agreement that toxic behavior would be curbed. ACP publicized this formal, historic call for the Recon Federation’s assistance:

And we entered the game.

The First Battle

After shaking CSY’s hand (firmly), I was flooded into alliance group chats, including ACP and Chaos hicom. Whoever thought this would happen? PZF and a smaller army known as the Aliens joined shortly after. The agreement for RFCP’s involvement finalized only three hours before the Sack of Tuxedo, a 2:00 p.m. EST Chaos invasion (allies allowed) of Tuxedo, CPATG, RPF’s longtime capital.

We quickly threw each other rifles and mustered our best last minute showing. The Recon Federation maxed 24.

RFCP volleying blue puffles down on the heart of RPF while ACP surrounds. Room 1.

But I was on mobile at the time, unable to reach a computer. As the clock neared :00 and still no Prior, troops began to hit up my DMs anxiously.

The officers mobilized in assumption I’d not show. Commissar Opino was JUST about to deliver a battle speech in my absence (they always begin, “SOLDIERS OF RFCP”)

Then…

Opino adapted his next sentence fast.

But still I was away from my laptop.

A long time ago, I knew someone who worked in a prison, and they told me once how they witnessed two inmates playing chess with each other through the thin wall; eyes closed; envisioning the board entirely through memory, and saying “Pawn to E4.” Etc.

From my phone, I led entirely from memory of the room’s layout, battle rhythm, and reaction to RPF’s formation.

Finally, I was able to log onto the cpps. There were more than 200 users showing on the dashboard. I sprawled open my map and tried to enter the second room, again and again, only to find it was full. That’s when I witnessed the carnage of global catastrophe. It was like no combat I have ever seen in my career. Not only were the big boys (RFCP + ACP vs. RPF) brawling in the main rooms, but skirmishes overflowed into every other room. I fought with Chaos and PZF against PIC in the Tuxedo Forest while waiting for my chance at entering the third room.

Battalions of RPF shouted war cries to no one in V formation in the Cove. Throngs of combatants and spectators spilled over to the Town.

Stranded, AFK soldiers littered every other room like corpses.

Finally, I charged into the final room with my brethren. The battle was like nothing any of us have ever seen. It was the largest recorded battle since 2013, and we bled and bit in it.

RFCP sending E5 volleys. As RFCP maxed in the mid 20s, our troops pulled the weight of agility for the battle, moving more than either of the other two armies. This movement was kept up for an unbroken 2 minutes at the battle’s end.

And from room 2, led by my beloved 2ic, the indomitable Commissar Opino3.

To CSY and Koloway, my friends, we are making history together as we always do. My love is genuine.

For max count, because the crowds make tallying impossible:

Conclusion

RPF and ACP at one time were allies. This overbearing alliance sickened the health of CPATG and prompted the Revolution. Now, they clash, and dominoes fall in their wake to produce a chain reaction of punches. Like the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, TheManWithThePlan fired a single gunshot that now booms in a symphony of artillery and smoke. RFCP enters the first World War of its existence with you serving in it. Remember that while this may appear to be a collision of blobs of color, each army here represents agency. Each leader has weighed their role as a political actor among this calamity. Each decision has been made.

We stand by ours.

War the fuck on.