The War of No Return, and the Revolution That Followed

Perhaps the most exhausting armed conflict in CPA history, RFCP and ACP engaged in total war, and the CPA community would never be the same.

From Monday, October 14th, to Sunday, October 20th, the two armies met in battle a staggering fifteen times in only six days. The clouds of gun smoke nearly blinded the #schedule-invasions channel on Discord.

Of those fifteen battles, Commander Prior led eleven of them, with the other events being headed by General Tumbling, Colonel Der, Major Roman, and Lieutenant Noob. The final score was 10-3-2 [ACP, TIE, RFCP], although the RFCP remains enraged at the score not being 10-1-4, as, in two of those ties, RFCP outnumbered ACP by an average of two soldiers. Unrelentingly, ACP not once conceded to a loss, whereas RFCP conceded gracefully several times when the numbers were obvious. This hardheadedness in the battle room contributed to unwavering tension between the hicoms of either army.

One of those ties was the RFCP’s maiden attempt to sack ACP capital, Breeze. The RFCP victory could not have been clearer to Commander Prior and to other observing leaders like Cena and Hidcre, with an RFCP max of 29 to ACP’s teetering 28. The eventual admin ruling of a tie devastated Prior, who shut away Discord and barked that RFCP would max 30 at their defense of White House the next evening.

Attempted Sack of Breeze

Led by: Commander Prior

Rooms: Mine Interior, Docks, Berg

During this battle, RFCP debuted its new upward arrow formation in the mine interior.

Upon the fateful decision of a tie, Prior said, “I am speechless by that ruling. Have a good night.” This was quick to be echoed in copypasta by all of ACP/its allies and a few of the admins, and remains a meme.

When it came time for the Defense of White House, nerves could be felt with a magnetometer. The 30 penguins Prior demanded were yet to be seen.

Grueling warfare at the Docks, Iceberg, and Stadium commenced nonetheless, watched by the world.

At the Docks, Prior received criticism for his tactic, “YOU ARE THE CANCER, WE ARE THE CHEMO,” to which he never caved.

“Would ‘You’re the disease, we’re the cure’ have been better?” Prior retorted. “Learn metaphors.”

The remarks were especially hollow to Prior since his grandmother perished from cancer in January. “It’s creative language,” he said. This indeed was countered with rogue acts of vulgarity from ACP, a little less artistic.

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After a tireless 30 minutes of fighting, an RFCP victory was secured at last, to deafening shouts of glory.

A few soldiers were endeared by their Commander’s rather uncharacteristic loss of togetherness.

Major Kailey sweetened RFCP’s victory with an incredible discovery.

For the first time ever, RFCP maxed 30.

In the middle of the war, some attempts at courtesy were extended by either side, namely between Koloway, then-ACP-4ic, and Prior.

Prior even released the tactic to Koloway, and to the world, “Er feut dre ulm,” which is Penguin Latin for, “I love you.”

Sadly, the wobbly attempts at amiability did not hold.

Other tactics that defined the themes of this war invoked the names of old army legends. “WHERE IS PAPA OAGALTHORP?” RFCP chanted outside the dojo at a later battle. “WHERE IS PAPA COLLINZFRESH?” ACP replied. RFCP could not resist making jokes about McHappy, such as, “DO WE GET A TOY WITH OUR MCHAPPY MEAL?” Meanwhile, ACP adhered to a pattern of clover bombing every room, which grew tiresome to their opponents, and came across to many as pretentious and lazy. Prior annoyed ACP hicom with a strategic use of “big word” tactics, or tactics that fill up much of the screen and cover the enemy. Chainpro had a few tricks up his sleeve as well, startling Prior at the crow’s nest when he released the tactic, “HAVE YOU SEEN ZOOTOPIA?”, which refers to a very sensitive inside pun known only to RFCP’s inner circle, of which Chainpro was once a part of. Prior replied:

Throughout the war, RFCP accused ACP of inactive troops and potential multilogging, as stragglers were common:

Some other significant photos of the war:

A handful of the ACP victories were snagged by both AUSIA (7 a.m. EST) and EU (2 p.m. EST) battles, which RFCP could not challenge, being a strongly American army. RFCP held true to its creed to never no-show a battle, though, resulting in slim showings and Lt. Noob leading a true battle for the first time. Some controversy in this vein arose during the Sunday morning battle on October 20th. For this battle, then-Sergeant Coolj lingered in the RFCP server to represent the army’s honor, but ACP never posted battle rooms. Coolj, being banned from the CPA chat for copypasta’ing in the wrong channel, had no means to question this, and thus assumed the battle wasn’t happening. ACP, however, showed and performed, slinging accusations that RFCP failed to show and defend its age-old pride.

“The battle was not valid,” said Prior. “Sergeant Coolj was screenshotted active in RFCP server 10 minutes before the battle. We did not no-show, and our record is unbroken.”

A vote was presented to the CPA leaders as to whether this battle was valid or not since ACP never posted rooms. The results would prove to be unnecessary.

Enter RPF’s involvement in the War of No Return.

When Chainpro was still attached to the RFCP, he designed a map of battle plans for a war EGCP and RFCP were considering against RPF, codenamed “Pewter Hopscotch.”

This, The War of Two Brothers, was conceived in September, when map activity was at an all-time low. Prior had always longed for EGCP and RFCP to conduct a mission just the two of them, and RPF had recently swept away all of EGCP’s territory. But EGCP’s numbers were struggling. They could not fully commit to the war unless the hype of the plans encouraged more interest from their recruits.

“The plan all along,” said Prior, “was to contact Ulit once EGCP confirmed their ability to partake in the war. We’d have set fun, competitive, and friendly terms. To assume that I would have sprung this on RPF is to assume my complete stupidity. Why would I not set terms beforehand with an entity like RPF?”

EGCP ended up backing out of the war, and the plans fizzled. Chainpro nevertheless had this map in his arsenal, and he leaked it to RPF to evoke their involvement in war against RFCP.

Prior successfully explained the true nature of the imagined war, leading RPF to reconsider, but they had an advantage now.

RPF’s attempted moderation of a foreign war raised some eyebrows, but the main problem here was ACP’s policy of dual-enlistment, which essentially would allow them any ally to participate in battle, if that ally merely said, “Yes, I am also an ACP soldier.” RFCP is against dual-enlisting; it believes in your whole heart, or nothing. Chainpro, in a patronizing and arrogant seven-paragraph reply to Prior’s appeal, said, “That’s how it works.”

By this time, anger began to stew not only among the RFCP ranks.

Cena of Shock Troops and felix and Edu of EGCP got wind of RPF’s war declaration and fists were slammed. The parties conspired to stage a raid of the next RFCP-ACP battle, this time with ST in UMA uniform and EGCP in Nachos uniform, two of ACP’s historic nemeses.

The raid was chaotic, unfiltered, crude, and, to many, hilarious. Prior, who supplied Col. Der with a script for the tactics, watched from Puffin.

Cena chanted “EHUMA EHUMA EHUMA EHUMA” while Prior, felix, and Edu rolled in their group chat. EHUMA was a failed army attempted by Dillon, ACP General and frequent antagonist of RFCP members in #chat-en.

EGCP crossed a line at the Docks, chanting the N-word, for which they later apologized, claiming that it does not hold the same weight in Brazil as it does in the U.S. Prior and Cena renounced its usage. Both RFCP and ST tactics were confirmed clean overall by DMT.

However, because Prior and the soldiers still reveled in the raid after it was done, RPF stated that it would resume its war on RFCP, even though Chain admitted to laughing at the raid as well.

At this, the seed of revolution began.

RFCP, ST, WH, EGCP, and PZF planned a mass protest event, a 5 Way Battle, later dubbed the Tuxedo Tea Party.

The event took place, without permission, on RPF’s capital, Tuxedo. Following ironic RPF chants of “WHEN DARKNESS FALLS…” and “FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT….” all armies did, “WE’RE OUT.” They reported immediately to the #battle-room and posted, “GG. RPF Victory” and then mass transferred all servers to RPF. The exit added advantageous irony to the name “The War of No Return.” The Revolution had begun.

The Revolution flag, designed by felix and Prior, represented how the map would be pointlessly locked up in green and black for ACP/LGA and RPF without them, and how RPF and those who happen to be its allies will always win if they want to.

Wild Ninjas and Coffee Force joined the protest shortly after.

For one week, the revolutionary armies boycotted the Top Ten and CPA chats. The product was a slew of new “incestuous” armies, as Prior called them: armies formed by ACP officers, while those officers remain in ACP. Examples of these are: People’s Imperial Confederation (PIC) led by Side, Sled Gang led by Cotopaxi64, and the soon to be returning Romans led by Smurf. DMT made an army as well. Even with this effort, the Top Ten that week was really the Top Nine, with no infant army filling that last slot.

Negotiations were stalled and dragged for a week’s time, but an agreement was finally reached after much revision on the evening of October 27th.

“RPF leaders were very respectable,” said Prior. “The strike was not for nothing. Protest is a beautiful right of the free world, and our actions produced fruits that we believe will benefit the whole community. Thanks to my brave soldiers who hung in there with us.”

The terms agreed to are as follows:

Like a racehorse in the stall, Prior scheduled the first invasions of former RPF territory the second Ulti pressed send. It included beloved RFCP territories, Mopia-gifted Marshmallow (CPR) and first-server-ever Beanie (CPR), but also….

The most populous and famous server in Club Penguin history.

“It’s been a dream of mine,” said Commander Prior, “since the first week of our founding. I tremble with the realization of that dream upon me.”

As for RFCP’s cherished capital, Northern Lights, ACP has refused diplomacy or server trading for it, but Prior remains firm that its possession is the army’s #1 priority.

“I will never step down from RFCP command,” said Prior, “without Northern Lights shining as our capital once more.”

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