Deceit! Deception! Democracy?
Recent allegations have arisen from some RFCP soldiers about the legitimacy of the Feddie Awards, RFCP’s semiannual honorific ceremony. Some even brought up the R word: rigged.
Can it be? RFCP blog investigated to bring the truth to our readers, and no holds were barred about asking the tough questions: even to the Commander-in-Chief. Read on for possibly our most shocking blog post yet.
The Evidence:
- Poll results CLOSED to the public
- Categories the people did NOT get to vote on, such as “Most Dedicated Soldier”
- Suspicious consensus about votes not reflecting the announced winners
- The disappearance of Lucky Quinn
- Suspicious homeostasis of winner distribution
- TWO polls released, one less than 24 hours before the ceremony, no longer allowing write-ins??
The Suspects:
At an undisclosed location late Sunday night, the top four suspects were taken into custody for questioning. Cob–a well-known troublemaker, whose victory for Best Troll caused an outrage at the ceremony–spent 266 minutes under interrogation. Could he have manipulated votes to win? On the other hand, many gasped to see Cena as a suspect, as surely if he were behind any scandal, he’d have secured that trophy for himself. However, authorities surmise that Cena could have known he’d look less suspicious if he gave the Best Troll award to Cob, framing him so he could enjoy a spectacle of his own creation as CANC (the secret trolling organization Cena leads) is known to do. As for Prior Bumble, the most convincing evidence of his collusion is his power. If anyone has the power to change award results at the wave of a hand, it’s the Commander–and Sha is his right hand woman in event planning. But the question for those two is motive. Prior controversially did not accept his win for Fastest Officer, and he did not sweep in other categories. Likewise, Sha did not win her coveted Most Savage award, which went to her rival Coolj. If involved, the motives for Prior and Sha are entirely uncertain.
There is no forensic evidence of suspicious fingerprints or feathers on the envelopes containing the names of the Feddie winners. Where science trials run cold, RFCP press investigators turn towards an anonymous informant, who wishes not to be revealed for safety reasons.
Q: Thank you for your courage in speaking out about this matter. What gives you insight into this debacle?
INFORMANT: I work in data analytics for Google, and I used to oversee the EPF room technology at around the same time Prior Bumble rose to power.
Q: Do you know him?
I: I know him and Sha, yes.
Q: So after reviewing the evidence, what is your professional conclusion? WERE the Feddies rigged?
I: There is no doubt in my mind that the Feddies were rigged.
Q: How are you so sure? Authorities report that Prior Bumble was released only twenty minutes after questioning, they were so convinced of his innocence.
I: Exactly. Another case of the Prior Trance.
Q: So Prior Bumble did it?
I: I’m not saying for sure that he did it alone, but you really think anything happens in RFCP without him knowing about it?
After hearing such confident testimony, we caught up with the accused outside of his new office in Northern Lights, CPW. Commander Prior was carrying boxes from a moving truck into his igloo when we flagged him down.
Q: Prior, what do you have to say about the Feddie allegations?
P: Who the hell are you?
Q: Answer the question, please.
P: You don’t have credentials to be at this location yet. We’re in the middle of moving command rooms to CPW.
Q: We’re with the RFCP official blog and we demand your statement.
P: I write the blogs.
Q: In the third person, yes, we know.
P: Just be fast. This box is heavy.
Q: Same question–what do you have to say about the Feddie allegations?
P: The Feddies are ethically and fairly awarded.
Q: But IS it rigged? Do the votes even matter?
P: Excuse me? Of course the votes matter.
Q: So you deny that the Feddies are rigged?
At this time, a loud engine and screeching beeps from a moving truck drowned out the reporter.
P: I can’t hear you, son.
Q: DO YOU DENY THAT THE FEDDIES ARE RIGGED?
Security pushed out the RFCP blog reporter then as Prior gestured apologetically to his ear and carried the box inside.
The clear answer we couldn’t get from him, we got from another suspect, Sha.
Sha added,
As of today, no definitive proof has been produced to support the claims of Feddie corruption, but the jury is still out with a plethora of unanswered questions. Is Lucky Quinn ever reprising his role as host? When will the documents be released? Are there secret #command-room tapes? Does ZCA know about this, or are they in on it? WHAT was in the box Prior Bumble was carrying?
Or is everything innocent and in order, and paranoia is getting the best of us?
While no arrests have been made and the case might subside as new evidence becomes more scarce, RFCP blog reports this incident as Feddiegate. It will go down in army history.
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