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BREAKING! CPA’s Server Shuffle Explosion, and RFCP’s Impending War

At 6:00 AM EST Sunday morning, CPA released 23 new servers (unclaimed and known as”freeland”), surgically re-engineering the map and opening the gates for armies to schedule invasions. The night previously, Prior met with Snork, the leader of the Winged Hussars, and arranged for RFCP and its colony, DD, to schedule a total of six invasions in the northeast peninsula. Snork, who lives in a European timezone, would be awake at this hour and was authorized to post in RFCP’s name. The original campaign plan is as follows:

But at 6:00 on the dot, hippieFRESH of LGA pressed “enter” a tenth of a second faster than Snork. This threw RFCP’s plans awry. The two largest server in RFCP’s scope, Cold Front and Ice Bank, were officially spoken for by LGA.

RFCP and DD were able to secure a total of only four invasions, as depicted in the chart below that spells out which armies preemptively claimed which servers.

Even Wild Ninjas, the elusive and intriguing army fiercely devoted to independence, managed to secure three servers, all of them interestingly on the outskirts, and surrounding the new island at key pinpoints.

Commander Prior headed to the #leaders-chat on CPA and declared to LGA that this would ensure renewed RFCP-LGA conflict. He invited an LGA leader to PM him to discuss it.

No PM came for another hour. The silence was deafening. In a moment of heat, Prior had a midnight invasion on August 28th, 2019, the instant the Treaty of Smog and Citrus expired, typed up and waiting in the #schedule-invasions channel if LGA would be so passe as to refuse his offer to discuss terms.

He reminded them once more in leader’s chat, and hippieFRESH PM’ed him at last. War was agreed upon, and will launch next week.

Terms were negotiated.

  1. RFCP does not invade Matterhorn, LGA does not invade Northern Lights
  2. No allies, except for colonies. However, RFCP and DD may not schedule separate invasions of LGA on the same day, nor may LGA’s colony (if they acquire one) attack on the same day
  3. Fighting is localized to the peninsula (new servers) until (if applicable) one army takes it over
  4. No war activity on Tuesdays to enable both parties can plan on time to catch up on other things
  5. Battle times are restricted to weekdays after 7:30 p.m. EST and weekends after 3:00 p.m. EST (cut off times for these windows still being negotiated)
  6. The war shall be called The Peninsula Wars

Term #1 prevents either army from reaching the capital and wiping the other off the map: each side was allowed to choose one favorite server other than their capital to be off-limits. But let us turn our attention to Term #2.

Does LGA have a colony?

Not officially, but some say they already do. Enter Cosmic.

Cosmic is an army led by PyxelPranav. You may remember them from the “Ultimate Alliance,” in which they promised a coalition with RFCP only to backstab Prior and replace his army with LGA a few days later. They launched a curious war against GSG called The Chronic Wars, and made an alarming declaration that their goal was not servers; their goal was total extermination of GSG.

Indeed, it seems they are honest in their total lack of interest in land. As soon as Cosmic acquires a server from GSG, they transfer that server to LGA in the same breath (and sometimes RPF, LGA’s close ally). This has provoked the ire of the NVA. It strikes NVA members as a conniving way of getting around the obligations of the Treaty of Smog and Citrus. According to the treaty, LGA is forbidden from attacking NVA territory (which includes GSG), but are they using Cosmic to do their fighting for them and gaining servers from NVA anyway? It is a loophole no one saw coming.

In many ways, the following image perfectly illustrates the situation. Cosmic invades, LGA smiles.

This odd relationship strikes many as almost abusive: a Cosmic server-factory operating under the clipboard of LGA. “Child labor,” Commander Prior scoffed in the NVA leader’s chat.

But in order for Cosmic to legally participate in the Peninsula Wars, making the campaign a dual-colonial conflict, Prior demanded that an official declaration of colonization be made by Pyxel, and that a colony flag be established. LGA agreed. Soon after, reports came in that LGA was attempting to get Cosmic to agree to be a colony. So far, it has not been confirmed that Cosmic budged, but the war preparations are young.

In many ways, Prior was pleased that hippieFRESH and he continue to have a pleasant relationship. Fresh is respectful and reasonable. But this does not erase the pattern of toxicity found in other members of LGA’s high command.

LGA leader Zeke refers to the CPA Award category of “Biggest L,” reserved for the biggest losers of CPA.

While plans are being drawn for the Peninsula Wars, the Chronic Wars still rage. GSG leader, Dolepie47, attempted to work out peace between GSG and Cosmic with Pyxel. Pyxel aggressively refused.

With GSG maxing only 2 lately, the smartest move was agreed upon: Dole would transfer all remaining GSG servers, Ice Cream (CPPS: Origins) and Blizzard (CPPS: Penguin World), to RFCP. RFCP are now the new guardians, and confidently stare Cosmic in the face to come at them if they wish.

RFCP truly now resembles and empire. Its servers are scattered, and its colonial relations are feudal.

Meanwhile, Cena of DD makes bold and successful strides in his first week of action. The Southern Lights invasion was triumphant, and the server was transferred to RFCP per the colonial agreement. Cena, ever a controversial figure, continues to stir things up on the CPA Discord, finding enemies left and right. Spies, behind-curtains-talk, and fire is being flung to and fro by DD, Cosmic, and LGA. Cena was accused of troopstealing, as many CPA members explored the DD server after seeing it advertised on Cena’s satire news site, CPPAN (Club Penguin Popcorn Army News) and were tempting to join, Cena certainly not opposing. RFCP, the fatherland of DD, stands with Cena and knows his heart is good. “I do not do business with bad people,” Commander Prior said.

Unfortunately, DD has also attracted the playful criticism of EGCP, RFCP’S closest ally. Cena once said, “I don’t speak EGCP,” which offended the Portuguese-speaking Brazilian army. Cena since apologized, and EGCP accepted the apology. The only problem is, “FUCK DUCKS” was too fun to say, and since when have our Brazilian brothers turned down a party? The spamming of “Cenaphobia” has spawned pseudo-hostility from EGCP to DD, but no serious action is set to be taken.

RFCP closed the evening with a midnight invasion of Cloudy, maxing 12, with a total participation at 13:

The final news of the day ended with an exciting announcement from CPA about the release of nominees in the CPA Summer Community Awards 2019. RFCP received a staggering 7 out of 12 possible category nominations, including Biggest Rise, Best War, Best Battle, Most Achieved, and, a dear one to Prior, Best Leader.

“To be nominated among such prestigious contemporaries nearly brought me to my knees. Just being listed there, next to my professional heroes, Sage and Edu, felt like something I cannot describe in words–and that doesn’t happen often.” — Prior Bumble

All RFCP soldiers are encouraged to vote.

Ready yourselves for action.

A new chapter is upon us.

One Response

  1. ERAT IPSO SACRA!

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